Wednesday, December 13, 2006
- Don't tell everyone within ear shot how much you loathe the revolting peach froth that you are wearing. The quickest and most to the point disclaimer is 'the bride chose it!' usually with a high pitched voice and a poorly disguised grimace.
- Don't throw a tantrum at the bride's requests, even if she is being Bridezilla. She's stressed, she's feeling the pressure, she's relying on you.
- Guests should never flout the 'no kids' rule or be offended by it. Enjoy your night out without The Precious.
- On the other hand, if you have been invited to bring a bambino or two, don't be inconsiderate to the couple. Seat yourself near an exit at the ceremony in case of bawling or bad behaviour and remove said infant immediately. Yes, you'll miss the vows but it's not about you, is it?
- Just because it's your wedding and you registered somewhere horribly chic, doesn't mean that Aunt Mildred won't still insist on knitting you both nasty his'n'hers jumpers. Don't shake, feel or demand to know what is in the box like it's Christmas. Save your disapointment for another day.
- And if you are the gifter, never turn up with an empty but beautifully wrapped box ala The Wedding Crashers. You'll get found out, the scary bridesmaid will find you and then you'll be for it.
Etiquette and the groom
- Under no circumstances may you - the groom - ever be late. If Stag night antics look like they could delay the wedding day, hold it two weeks prior to your wedding day allowing you enough time to return from Siberia and have hospital treatment for the tape marks on your wrists.
- No matter what your bride wears or how repulsive you may find her dress sense, remember this, she's done her best and you should be suitably enamoured. Never tell her she looks like the dog's dinner or your Gran's tablecloth. 'Darling, you have a wonderful sense of fashion' is ambiguous and polite enough.
- Less is more indeed, however, you should cover your assets appropriately and consider your choice of underwear. No one wants to see your boobs at all. At all.
- Never get drunk. You don't want to be the bride remembered amongt your friends as the one who spent the evening hurling, with the bridesmaids holding her hair back. It'll take at least a decade before that seems even remotely funny.
- Of course you want to look great at the wedding, just in case you bump into your ex and all those mean old school friends, but that doesn't mean you should ever try and upstage the bride ala JLo, Victoria Beckham and Liz Hurley.
- Take note of the wedding invitation - if it says black tie, that's how you dress. Smart/ casual, however, is such a loose term but you should never translate that as a sweatsuit/ jeans/ filthy trainers or anything of that ilk or you'll find yourself airbrushed from pictures pronto!
Alcohol and guests
- If the wedding couple have dug deep into their pockets to extend their generosity to an open bar, that does not mean you have a licence to order triple whiskeys and take as many drinks as you can carry. Drink in moderation, not to the couple's bankruptcy.
- And once you've consumed all that alcohol, tempers may flare but don't be drawn into a fight - fisticuffs, food or otherwise. That's just plain common and you'll probably never be welcome to another event again.
Making speeches and best man myths
- If you've been invited to make a speech, now is not the time to reveal that the bride has copped off with all the guys at table eight. Or that the groom once had the hots for all the bridesmaids. Unless you really want to ruin the wedding night, in which case, what is wrong with you?
- Should you be the - single - best man entertaining the fantasy that it is your duty to 'make special friends' with the - single - bridesmaid(s), please note this is not a required part of your obligations and refusal can cause offence. And vice versa.
- Never wear your own wedding dress... when it's not your own wedding. That's just rude and you'll forever be known as the crazy lady.
- Don't put you bridesmaids in horrid dresses just to make you look better/ skinnier/ more glam. You'll just look like you have no taste and one day, that favour will be returned and then you'll be in peach puffball hell!